Dating, Love & Personal Security
This article is taken from my book “Protecting Your Loved Ones”
Most adults should be able to relate to what I talk about in this article, if not from their own experience then from that of their friends. I have been thinking for a few months on how to structure this article as this is a very complicated subject and as usual, I have loads of stories of my own and others, adventures and misadventures, some of which I want to include to highlight certain situations.
I will focus on the very basics of dating emphasizing problems that can occur and what people should be aware of. I intend to be very blunt in this article because dating and relationships is a main area in most people’s lives that seems to generate the most problems.
I think every adult has had problems with dating, some of us learn from our experience but many don’t. I think one of the main problems with people and relationships is that people seem to feel they must be dating someone or there is something wrong with them. In my opinion this has more to do with social pressure than what is good for the person. If you are having to work hard to get into and keep relationships going, then I don’t think they are meant to be. People need to fit easily into your life, you shouldn’t have to restructure yours for them, and if you do chances are you will only end up resentful and unhappy.
Those of us who are parents must remember your choices also affect your children, so you must make them carefully, what you bring into your life is also coming into your child’s life. These days there are so many wackos out there and you do not want to accidentally end up introducing your children to drug users, psychos, domestic abusers or pedophiles!
From the start off, relationships can pose a multitude of security related issues and you must be very careful how you approach things. The issue with meeting new people is that you don’t really know who they are, especially when dating.
The aim of dating is to try to impress someone else so people will over exaggerate everything about themselves and lie about all sorts of things from age to income and marital status. I am sure all the adults reading this have some personal experience or have heard stories from their friends about dating people who start out seemingly as the ideal partner only to later reveal themselves as a fraud and a phony.
Many relationships start online these days via social media or dating sites which can be a security risk but can also be a security aid. As with anything online you must remember it truly is a virtual reality where you can portray yourself as anyone you want, you can create whatever life story you want and many do so for multiple reasons. This is where you will have to try and figure out if the other person is real or just trying to impress and manipulate you into sending them naked selfies.
The benefits of online dating for the wise is that you screen people before you meet them to try to identify any potential issues and at least work out if they are compatible for a coffee date at least. Always try to cross reference any of their claims by running an online check on their name to see what pops up, verify any company they claim to work for, try to obtain a current photo so you know what they actually look like and whenever possible run a quick criminal and sex offender background check on them.
Very recently a lady I know told me she was dating, well really just chatting with a guy she met online and was in the security business. She asked me if I knew him, which I did not. She then sent me the link to his Facebook page which was very ‘Gung Ho” but fell short on substance. It mostly showed the guy in macho poses, with guns and dressed in camo etc. She told me they were constantly messaging because he was working in Afghanistan with the US military and they would meet in person when he returned in a few months’ time. She was excited as he was talking about his desire to get married and settle down etc. I saw some red flags but, she was happy and is a grown adult so should understand things.
Firstly, being former British Army myself I know what guys are like, especially when deployed, they are lonely and bored and that is just for starters. Also, talking about settling down with someone you have never met is not realistic, it might make for good conversation and creating a romantic mood but that’s about it. Anyway, after a week or so I heard again from the lady. This time she told me she thought the guy was fake; I had to agree with her. She had previously sent me a photo of a trophy/challenge coin he claimed to have been awarded by the CIA for “Actions Under Fire”, so now I sent her the eBay page where those coins were for sale for about $15. I did not tell her before as the guy may or may not have been full of shit, but she was happy.
She was surprised that a man would go to that extent to try to impress her and other women. I, on the other hand, am not at all surprised. She said he was always video chatting with her from a small military looking room, I told her it would not surprise me if he had built it in his mom’s basement just for internet dating purposes… So, if you’re meeting people online try to ensure you know who you are really talking to, the virtual world needs to be taken with a big grain of salt, nothing is real until proven.
One of the more conventional, organic ways of meeting people is in bars or nightclubs. Here at least you have a chance to see what they look like, how they smell etc. I believe all adults know the real reason men go to nightclubs is to pick up women. If you’re still insisting you go for the atmosphere or the music you’re lying to yourself. I think the term “Meat Market” best describes the bar and club scene and as long as people understand this then there are no problems.
I spent a lot of time in bars and clubs over the years, first when I was in the military and we practically lived in the clubs in Cyprus, and after that for many years as my company provided security for numerous venues, so I’ve seen a lot and I understand things. From a personal security point of view, there are a multitude of things that can go wrong in clubs ranging from theft, assaults and date rape.
I will talk about date rape in another article but even at a basic level be wary of people offering to buy you drinks, it’s a classic guy tactic, get the girl drunk and she will have sex with you. Men also need to be careful of others buying them drinks as they could be set up for a sexual assault, gay rape does happen.
Quite a few times I have seen women trying to persuade one of their friends who is drunk not to go off with a guy or guys. The most recent was on South Beach in Miami where I was talking with some friends and we saw a girl who was clearly very drunk with 3 guys who, let’s say did not look too respectable. Her friend was desperately trying to get her away from the guys but the girl who was drunk or maybe drugged did not appear to know what she wanted to do. Who knows what became of her, as they were walking quickly down Collins Avenue, and it was none of our business anyway. If her friend was that worried she should have called the police, but would the police respond? They would if they were told a girl was intoxicated and going to be sexually assaulted. However, if the police responded and the drunken girl said everything was OK no one could save her… And I am sure the cell phone videos of her sex party would quickly be spreading across the internet…
If you have children of a dating age you should start to inform them of the potential problems that can occur with dating. These days they need to be wise since just one bad experience can affect them for the rest of their lives.
I tell people weather trying to build up business or personal relationships to always be on the lookout for potential red flags in a person’s behavior or habits. Strangely, I think most people are a lot more cautious about their business dealings than they are about who they are dating, having sex with and letting into their family’s life.
It takes time to know people and many times a relationship can start out fine and very quickly deteriorate. There is a huge difference between seeing someone a few nights a week to living with them, I have dated women I could tolerate for an evening but that’s about it.
As you’re getting to know someone look for red flags in their behavior for example, does what they tell you not match up with what you’re seeing, have they lied about their backgrounds, are there drug or addiction issues, are they overly jealous and possessive or could they be cheating on you. Certain things will only come out over time, this is natural but red flags of extreme jealously or violence should be taken seriously as they could lead to domestic violence issues in the future.
Most people have secrets and have done things in the past they could be embarrassed about, ranging from being arrested, going to jail, addiction issues etc. Do people make mistakes and then change, yes… But if you’re considering a serious relationship with someone and bringing them into your family, the good and bad about their and your past needs to be put on the table.
I am sure many of you will say money does not come into consideration when you’re looking to date someone; to that I will say bullshit, and this applies to men and women alike. I tell guys if they want to get laid all they need is a decent car and some cash to be able to take their dates out to nice locations, to spoil them, that’s it. Most women will tolerate ugly guys with personality flaws if they are being spoiled and things are paid for.
I have known quite a few married men, with children who told me they know that if they lost their jobs and could not keep their wives in the same standard of living the wives would leave. I have come across some older and obnoxious men who are married to women half their age, and all I can say to those girls is: I hope you’re getting enough financial benefits to do what you’re doing. That’s how the world works and if your relationship is built on financial dependence by either party then understand it can end when the money runs out or someone with a bigger wallet turns up.
A friend of mine whose sister deals with luxury real estate in South Florida, told me about one of the situations she encounters. Men are posing as interested buyers and arrive with their date to view million-dollar properties they have no intention or financial means to acquire, all for the sole purpose of impressing the lady.
Nowadays it’s easy for a guy to prepare for a first date by renting a luxury vehicle and a nice room in an upscale hotel or Airbnb then taking his new lady friend to view luxury properties and Bingo! I would say in most cases the player is getting laid and he doesn’t even care if he is found out after the fact as I am sure he has plenty of other young ladies lined up to give him a break from the mundane reality of his actual life.
So, be aware of being played by someone dating you just for money or ulterior motives. If you know it and you don’t mind that’s fine, it’s your choice just remember to never get too emotionally attached.
One-night stands can go bad in a lot of ways from major embarrassment to STD’s. I can say you should never consider having one-night stands and casual sex but people do it all the time. All I am going to do here is make you aware of some of the risks.
I regularly encounter people who always carry hand sanitizer, eat only organic and would have a temper tantrum if the barista at their regular coffee shop used whole milk instead of non-fat soy milk in their morning latte, their bodies are temples after all! That being said, they have no problem taking illegal drugs and sleeping with virtual strangers; personally, I think this is a bit hypocritical.
Let me ask you this, think about the last person you kissed or gave you a polite peck on the cheek as a greeting, do you know where their mouth has been and what was in it during the last 24 hours? Have they been kissing or performing sexual acts on others? Now, the chances of them kissing or having sex with others multiplies if you pick them up in a club or hook up with them on holiday, be very aware of this. A lot of diseases can be spread orally so, you should really know what’s been in the mouth of the person you’re kissing, at least recently.
If you’re having sex with relative strangers or are in an open relationship with someone you need to take hygiene very seriously. Even if you trust them you don’t know what diseases their other sexual partners might have. Many people seem to have forgotten about HIV, but you know what, there is still no cure! In 2017 STD infection rates hit a record high in California with over 300,000 gonorrhea, chlamydia and syphilis alone, there are well over a million people with HIV in the US and in 2016 there were over 38,000 new cases. So, be very careful who you kiss!
Now if you go back to a stranger’s hotel room or let them into your home you are posing a big risk to your personal security. To start with there is the risk of violence, the sex might turn out to be a lot rougher than you expected, they have friends waiting to join in or if you change your mind and want to go home they get angry and rape you anyway.
While in the Army I heard a story I can easily believe, about a young British soldier who was based in Germany and went to one of the local brothels and hired a hooker. She offered to make things a bit kinky and tie him up, which he agreed to. When he was well bound up, she let in the guys who had been waiting and they raped him. I’m sure such things happen a lot more that is known. Firstly, many guys don’t want others to know they use prostitutes and secondly, they don’t want others to know they were raped.
There have been many cases where people have been kidnapped or have disappeared after leaving a bar or club with someone they just met. Some turn up OK after a few days partying, many turn up dumped on a waste ground or in dumpsters. This is the risk you are taking every time you go home with a stranger.
Someone I knew was once worried about seeing a woman he had met online, an older and successful lady who could have also helped him with his career. The problem was the woman just wanted a sexual relationship and had made it known she sometimes liked to have sex with a couple of men at the same time. This made the guy I know nervous, he was OK with the casual relationship but was worried what would happen if during a group sex session, the other guy tried to have sex with him… My advice, don’t get involved if you’re uncomfortable with the situation, never be forced to have sex with others or perform sex acts you are not comfortable with. I have not heard from the guy in a long time and I am not sure if he took the woman up on her offer, maybe he did and had a life changing experience.
One of the big risks from a guy’s perspective is that having sex with a woman creates the opportunity for her to cry rape or sexual assault and this generally means the guy is going straight to jail. This risk is multiplied if the girl is drunk or under the influence of drugs. You should always try to ensure you are dealing with mentally stable people because going home with the wrong person can literally ruin your whole life…
I don’t judge people or their vices, if someone is into one-night stands or a swinger that’s their choice but people need to understand their choices can also affect other people. A successful married businessman in his 50’s met a girl at a strip club and offered to take her out on a date and she agreed. This man took the girl to dinner and the theater and when he took her home she asked him if he wanted to come up to her apartment to which of courses he said “Yes”. What he did not know was the girl’s boyfriend was waiting and watching.
After the couple were in the apartment for a short while the girl’s boyfriend called the police and reported there was a woman screaming and being assaulted in the apartment. When the police turned up at the apartment the girl answered the door and confirmed the man would not leave and had tried to rape her. The once respectable businessman went straight to jail. To make things worse and to ensure he went to jail the girl had taken his ID’s from his wallet.
So now the successful married businessman was sitting in jail on an attempted rape charge and needed to be bailed out. Some things are very difficult to hide from your spouse and this was one of them. The other issue arising from the attempted rape charge is, being a sex offence, if convicted he would be a registered sex offender and could kiss his business licenses goodbye. A few days after he was out of jail he received a phone call from the girl’s boyfriend stating that for $30,000.00 she would drop the charge. That’s when it became clear he had been set up from the beginning. I am not sure how things developed; he may have beaten the attempted rape charge, but he still had a lot of other personal problems to deal with.
You must remember that if you’re taking strangers into your home you’re also taking them into the lives of those you live with, if you have children I don’t think it’s wise, safe or mentally healthy for them to see a different lover popping in and out of your bedroom every weekend. If that is the lifestyle you like, then keep it separate from your family life and the lives of your children.
Taking Them Home
For those of you looking for a regular, long term relationship at some point, after you have checked out and are comfortable with your new partner, you will have to take them home or hang out at their place. There are multiple issues with taking people into your home especially if you have children.
On a basic security level, you don’t want to bring someone into your house who could potentially steal from you or set you up to be burglarized. They could also bring or use drugs, which even if you are OK with, it’s something children should not be exposed to. And let’s not forget that if you get caught with drugs in your house you are legally responsible and most likely will be charged with possession. Another consideration when children are present is the compatibility between them and your new partner and how will they interact. It is imperative you assess the situation, consider all the potential issues and determine if your new partner will be a positive influence, before you open your home to them.
One problem I have heard of from multiple people, men and women, is that of the nightmare guest. You invite this person for a drink and either they start to make unwanted sexual advances and become aggressive when rebuffed or they flat out refuse to leave. I know of several ladies who had to call the police on such male friends. What I will say on this topic is make sure you establish clear boundaries and do not send mixed signals. Innocent flirting could be easily misconstrued as an invitation to have sex, especially when alcohol or drugs are involved.
Once in a relationship there are still plenty of potential security problems you need to be aware of. Remember it takes time to get to know someone and understand their past, so it’s not really advisable to be doing such things as moving in together after only a few weeks. I have heard plenty of stories of couples moving in together only to realize after a short time they are not truly compatible which usually means the one who moved in needs to find somewhere else to live, and that is the “good case scenario”. In the “bad case scenario” things get hostile and someone can end up homeless.
Another source of problems can be your partner’s friends and family members. Someone might be a good person but the people they are surrounded with might be quite the opposite and the last type of people you want in your life. It’s better to keep such people at arm’s length rather than have to deal with others’ drama and problems. If your partner has issues with this then maybe they are not the right one for you, as I have said before you need to be selective who you allow in your life especially if you have children.
Take the time to get to know people and don’t rush into things, it’s a fact that you’re not going to know everything about someone even if you see and talk to them daily for a few months. Years ago a friend of mine had an issue with a lady he was in sort of a relationship with. This guy was working as a personal trainer when he met this woman who told him she was married, and her husband was OK with her having a boyfriend as he was gay and theirs was simply a cover marriage.
After a few months of seeing this lady my friend got a call from her husband who wanted to meet him… My friend agreed to meet him expecting the worse but as a former pro-fighter he knew he could handle the situation if trouble arose. When they met the husband listed all the hotels they had been to, restaurants they had been eating at etc. When my friend asked how he knew the husband told him it was because he was paying the bills for his wife’s credit cards…
The husband went on to explain that yes, they had an open relationship, but he felt his wife was getting too serious and falling for my friend, he wanted her to be happy but not to divorce him for their children’s sake. My friend told him he understood and that he would not see his wife again. The next time they saw each other he told her it was over without disclosing he spoke with her husband.
A few days later the lady’s husband called my friend again and thanked him for ending the relationship with his wife. The husband was satisfied now that my friend was not just sleeping with her for her money and was not going to push her to get a divorce. He also stated he had told his wife about the meeting and she was upset that he had broken up their relationship, so he asked if my friend could start sleeping with her again… My friend refused as the situation was getting crazy; the husband called him a couple more times asking him to sleep with his wife but being old school, my friend just moved on. Hopefully you can better understand from this that you can never know how real someone’s story is until you have known them for a long time.
I have heard several stories of women who have caught their partners cheating with other men. One of whom came home to find her husband having sex with another married man, the two men then attacked and beat the woman as they did not want her to tell anyone. When she got released from the hospital she moved out with her children and filed for a divorce, which was the right thing to do…
If you have children of dating age you need to know where they are and what they are doing, if they are borrowing your car to go on dates ensure they are not drinking and driving or taking drugs in the vehicle. You can get software to monitor their locations via their phones or just get a tracker in the car. Clearly explain to them the car is their responsibility and not to let their friends drive it or engage in any sort of illegal activity while in the vehicle etc…
Breaking Up & Stalkers….
If there are too many red flags or things are just not working out, then relationships should be ended. I don’t see why people stay together if they are unhappy. Those who say they do it for the children’s sake should consider the impact a stormy, dysfunctional relationship has on the children and realize everyone is much better off ending the relationship.
Now if you’re dealing with a rational adult they will respect the fact a relationship is over and move on, sadly these days there is a major shortage of rational adults. I am sure we all have stories or know of stories of jealous or jilted ex’s trying to get revenge on their former lovers. This is where things can get messy and dangerous so if things can be ended amicably try your best to do it. If there are red flags then cut all contact with your ex. Desperate people seek any attention and even if it’s the negative kind it gives them hope of re-kindling things so, cut all communications, block them on social media, ignore all calls, messages and emails.
I know personally of one guy who stopped taking his diabetes medication when he was dumped and ended up in the hospital. The woman who dumped him was in total disbelief that he would go that far, jeopardizing his health and ultimately his life. When she went to the hospital to visit he even introduced her to his parents as his girlfriend… He wanted the attention and was trying to manipulate her into getting back together but she recognized the red flags and ended it.
If someone starts to stalk you then you need to take things seriously, start recording incidents, try to get a restraining order and increase your personal security, do not wait until it is too late.