So, You Want To Commit Suicide?

Basic – If you want to kill yourself then shut the fuck up and do it… If that is your choice then go ahead, as long as you don’t owe me money or shit then, good bye. If you owe me anything, then please be respectful and pay me before you off yourself.

Some people can be helped, many who claim to want help just want attention, and some cannot be helped. I speak from experience when I say this, once I had a supposedly suicidal person pull a loaded gun on me in a dramatic act for attention, which I found as funny as it was pathetic. Some people are fuck ups and no matter what you do for them, no matter how many times they promise to change they will continue to be fuck ups. Such fuck ups are not worth your time, as they will just drain your energy. Letting such people fall and fall hard is the best cure for them. Maybe then they will realize that they should listen to those that want to help them, if not then such is life…

Quite a few times I have hung up the phone on people and gone to sleep expecting the next thing I heard about them was that they had killed themselves. Most of the issues these people were dealing with were self-made and the solutions achievable, it was just they would take a lot of work and put big dents in these people’s egos.

Again, in many cases other people’s judgments, opinions and actions were greatly influencing these wannabe suicides. If most wannabe suicides would just learn not to give a fuck about other people’s bullshit options and get on with their lives, they would realize all of us are going to end up dead anyway. So, why rush the process, why not just wait it out and in the meantime fuck with those who piss you off and just enjoy the ride.

I have known a few people who have killed themselves and I expect there some people I have known and lost touch with who could also have killed themselves. Shit happens, how does this affect me? It doesn’t, life goes on, they made their choices. We are all going to die at some point, by accident, illness, suicide or just getting too old, the fact is we are all going to end up dead.

With that thought in mind, as you understand every second takes you closer to death, as you are already dying, what’s the point in suicide… To speed things up by a few years? Seriously, people’s heads are that full of their own immortality that they only tend to understand how fucking short and temporary life is when it’s too late, if they ever realize at all.

It’s not surprising most people’s understanding of life is short sighted and blinkered as this is the result of living in a structured society which is really just slavery with comforts. Be a good slave and you can have nice things. Is this what life is really about? Is this how humans are meant to live? Like worker ants? I could use the example of honeybees who are really slaves for their queen, but they are far more luckier than most people. Worker bees get to fly where they want, usually around beautiful flowers, whereas most humans just deal with shit for shit.  

Sadly most people don’t see there are other options, there are always options. The options might result in hardship and suffering before they reach their desired goal, if they ever reach it, but understand there are always options. Many will try to dissuade you from taking what they see to be drastic actions to get out of the shit you’re in, most likely because they themselves would be to afraid to take these actions. Or because they are comfortable in their own misery and believe you should be as well. But, if you want to kill yourself anyway why should you give a fuck about the opinions of others, what do you have to lose from going on some fucked up adventure? Nothing, right? And remember, if you don’t like it you can always kill yourself at any time…

All of those that I have known who killed themselves might have put themselves in difficult situations but they had options, they had ways out if they wanted them. But they were blinded by the shit they were in. They could not see or did not realize that their immediate environmental was not the whole world. And that the situations they were in were not unique and would pass with time. Maybe they never realized this because it was the way society had programed them and those around them, even the pathetic fuckers that would claim they were there to help.

I will give you a story that I doubt has ever been made public before and one I know quite a few will wish forgotten and never told. It must have been in or around 1992 when I was in the British Army based in Cyprus. My platoon was on leave which meant everyone apart from myself was back in UK, I saw no point in flying back and wasting the money when I was already on a holiday island. Also with the other cunts I had to live with back in UK I had the accommodation to myself. So, peace and semi-freedom for once…

At that time my platoon “RECCE” was part of “D” fire support company, the senior company in the battalion (1-WFR). One day there was a panic in the lines (accommodation) as the other two platoons in D-Coy, Mortars and Anti-Tank were being crashed out to an incident at Ayios Nikolas, a military base and signals listening station for the Middle East that our infantry battalion provided the guard and quick reaction force (QRF) for. Apparently there was a hostage situation going on…

What had happened was the duty signaler from our battalion had fucking lost it and decided to try to settle and old score, but had turned what could have just been a bad situation in to a horrendous situation for a few people that should have never been involved.

I knew the kid that was the duty signaler, not well but had bumped into him as you do with many people if you’re in an infantry unit. They are very small worlds of their own. I remember he had issues from the moment he joined the battalion in Northern Ireland, issues he caused himself. This led to him being disciplined, which he deserved. At that time he was in a different rifle company than mine but I heard he was considered a fuck up which meant he was getting shit on by everyone.

In those days, especially in Northern Ireland, there was little tolerance for those that could not pull their weight. Was he bullied? By the definition of the word I am sure, but that was the culture, he was not the only one so, such is life. When the battalion moved to Cyprus he ended up in the signals platoon, a much more civilized environment than being in the rifle companies.

It turned out, from what I understand that the night he fucking lost it he was on duty with a Sergeant from his old rifle company who had the reputation for being a bully and a general wanker. Obviously something went very wrong, did this Sergeant start with his bullyboy games again, I expect so…

The end result went something like this… The Sergeant, who even thought was on duty as the watch officer left the operations room to go and fuck some female soldier who he was seeing in the female accommodation block. Yes, this was something that was a major violation of duty but he obviously thought himself as someone who was very special.

The signaler could have fucked him up then and there for this blatant violation but I expect he feared retaliation if he reported the incident. When the QRF came in from patrols and handed in their rifles until their next patrol the signaler started to put his plan in action, a plan of intended revenge or revenge and rape, who knows.

Once the QRF had left the op’s room the signaler removed the firing pins from all the rifles for the guard force rendering them useless, took two serviceable rifles with two cans of ammo (about 800 rounds) and went to find and kill the Sergeant. Well he did not find him but apparently raped two female soldiers before blow his brains out. For some reason there was very little if any news coverage of this event, just that a soldier committed suicide in Cyprus. The type of thing no one really gives a fuck about.

The reason for me to write about this story are two-fold – 1. However fucked up your life is do not fuck up the lives of innocent people who have not harmed you in anyway. If you want revenge on those that have harmed you, then go for it, but don’t act in the same way as those that have bullied and persecutes you. This signaler lost all credibility by raping those two girls, he had a defense for revenge, he was bullied, but turned himself into a piece of shit rapist. Nice way to be remembered, sure his family were really proud, if they were ever told what really happened 2. What if he had found and killed the Sergeant? Well I never really knew him but from what I heard from those that worked with him the signaler would have done everyone a big favor by offing him. If he had of just emptied his rifles into him, he had an excuse, he was bullied and the fact the Sergeant was off fucking some chick while on duty would have summed up his character. Also, if the signaler had just killed the Sergeant, he would have got the help he needed and by now would have been out of jail and possibly living a normal life. But, if his true character was that of a rapist then he done the world a favor by blowing his brains out.

Bullying is often a cause for suicide especially in institutions such as the military because those experiencing the bullying have few if any options to rectify the situation. They cannot move because they are assigned to units and locations, if they run away they will be criminals. Those doing the bullying are usually their seniors so by the ways of the military they are subordinates and have to follow orders or end up in more shit. If they make official complaints they themselves will be labeled as just being a whiner who can’t take the discipline or do their job properly. Such complaints tend to go nowhere as the superior ranks don’t want to deal with the problems. If those being bullied stand up for themselves then they can be charged with insubordination and end up again in more shit as no one will want to hear their side of the story.

Another incident that comes to mind from my military days happened in another unit that was based close to us in Northern Ireland. The senior guys in one section of this unit stole a baton gun from one of the new guys as a prank. Apparently everyone was in on the joke and were giving the kid shit. In the British Army losing a weapon is incomprehensible, especially in the day in Northern Ireland… End result of this was the kid shot himself in the head…  Death for him was a better option than the consequences losing a baton gun…

I was sleeping in the room where he had shot himself for a few days and the bullet hole was still in the ceiling and was well highlighted with graffiti and arrows pointing to it. No big deal, we had endless patrols to keep us busy and between patrols, when not sleeping, there were always plenty of porn mags or Sevn Hassel novels and the like to flick through. A bullet hole was not a big deal…

What we can perceive as just fucking with people can seriously affect others thoughts, mindsets and push some people over the edge. We must understand that everyone has a breaking point where they will explode or implode.

When I was living in South Florida one of the guys I was dealing with had major financial issues, we will call him “M” . M’s business crashed, he lost his house, was unable to make his car payments, his wife and kids were with her parents and they made it clear there was no space for him at their place. So, for a while he was staying in my living room before he found a way to get back on his feet.

Others misery tends to amuse me so I spoke with another associate of mine, Adam Thick of Extreme Kidnapping, to play a little mind game with the now destitute M. Adam called one evening when I was there have a beer with M and offered him some work… Adam told M he knew of a wealthy older gay gentleman that was looking for a personal assistant, intimate companion and gimp to share with his friends. Of course there would be a nice salary, accommodation, travel expenses etc. M thought this was funny, but said no… He needed money but…

Adam then offered him the chance to work in a NYC swingers club, in the glory hole booth for $100 an hour. Again, M laughed it off even though Adam was doing his best to convince him to take the job as it would help solve M’s cash flow issues.

After Adam got off the phone I could see M was thinking about things and he asked me if Adam was serious, and of course I told he was 100% serious, and was just trying to help. M knew already his situation was a mess but I think the call with Adam made him realize it was really a fucked up mess.

Adam and I was finding the joke hilarious and we had worked up a brilliant direction to take for another BS job offer for M. But just before the call Adam called me when I was out and M was in my apartment, saying we better not go through with the call as it might push M over the edge. And M was in my apartment, which of course had my firearms in it, and M was still legally carrying his pistol, that I had bought off him. M was a strong guy, but Adam war right, I did not need M blowing his brains out in my apartment, and I was not going to go through the effort of taking all the firing pins out the guns… 

In the long run M flew back to the island in the Caribbean where his family was from, sorted his shit out, came back to the US, left Florida, got a new job, new wife, and family. It took work and him facing some dark truths and days but I am sure he always knew in his mind that he had a safety net if things went really bad for him… He could always be a NYC real estate moguls boy-toy and gimp…

Life is too short to take seriously and humor can always be found even in the darkest times. The world is a big place so there is no excuse to be stuck in one fucked up place or situation. If you want to kill yourself then do so but remember not to harm or inconvenience others and please consider the emotional mess that you will leave behind for family or friends to deal with. If you have no one to consider then cool, but then my question is if you’re a free person what the fuck is stopping you from living?

Orlando W.

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